The Official Nonsense Thread

[Minty]

(10-05-2013 06:45 AM)Caspin Wrote:   Lol, yes I realise there are cheesemongers, you cheeky mint! Not sure I like the term "cheesing" though! That's a new one for me.

"One Man, Two Guvnors" was great fun and incorporates a live band! I laughed a lot. If anyone ever goes to see it - do not sit in the front row. Or not if you don't enjoy the risk of audience participation.

Well I didn't know there were such people as cheesemongers I wish I'd known that years ago - I could see myself as a cheesemonger, at least, I've encountered enough people up here calling me a cheese merchant!

I've heard about the "never sit at the front" rule of "OMTG". First rule of theatres - everyone in the front row is fair game! Especially if Adrian Edmondson is involved.

(10-05-2013 10:24 AM)Ollie Wrote:  Also note to everyone; when my dog is focused on getting food (in particular chicken, today it was chicken soup) DON'T try to pat him, because he will go nuts on your backside.

Years ago I used to work with a woman that had brought her wee Jack Russell dog with her to work as it was a half day Saturday & it stayed in the car while she did her shift (yes, your thoughts & mine exactly). The dog would lie on the floor in the back with his bowl of water.

This particular Saturday she offered me & a colleague wee Mikey a run back into the town centre. Mikey was a bit careless about getting into the car & put his foot in the dog's dish & the dog went for him. He complained about the dog, & I pointed out to him "how would you like it if someone stuck their feet in your cup of tea?"

There was another guy called Bill (a heating engineer) that used to boast about how well he had his dog trained that he could take its bone from it & it wouldn't dare growl. It left me pissed - you've got to be REALLY low in the food chain to want to be able to take a dog's bone off it to make yourself feel a big shot.

Anyway, these were some of the stories he used to come in at the end of his shift & inflict upon all of us, always bumming himself up. I devised a wee song about it to the tune of "This Old Man", I can't remember all the verses, but for illustrative purposes, the first one was:

"This Old Bill, he bored one, in HS [Heating Services] going on & on,
With a Yip-Yap Bloody Crap, take the doggy's bone,
Why won't Bill just f**k off home?"

It went all the way up to 12 verses, & had such lines as "This Old Bill, he bored five, losing my will to stay alive", & "This Old Bill, he bored ten, Jesus H he's back again!"

Anyway, one of the consequences of this would be if anyone spotted Bill's car arriving in the carpark, they'd whistle "This Old Man" - which resulted in a panic rush to the toilet, to phone someone at head office, to do anything that meant not getting "captured" by him looking for an unwilling audience!