What do you thinksies? :)

[Bexy 1239]

Okay, I didn't know where else to put this... so anyhoo, I'm writing a little story thing but it's not a sims one, so yeah. I've only done the prologue so far, it's only short so I was wondering what you thought of it. In fact, you don't even need to read it if you don't want to or simply 'cba', but it would be cool if you did.

Here's the link (yes, it does link to another sims forum... ):
http://ryleerider.proboards47.com/index....storyboard

I hope you like it... ;S Feel free to give your honest opinion, I don't mind if you wanna say 'that was the crappiest thing I ever read'.

Toodleo for now.
x

EDIT:
Apparently the link doesn't work because you have to sign up to read it, soooo I'll just post it on here.

Prologue

[font=Garamond]I was fixed to the ground, and no force I applied would ever allow me to escape from the grip of, what now felt like, a statue. He was as hard as granite, pinning me to the soft grass as it swayed in the breeze of the night around me. The two pairs of eyes behind the murderer were glittering with the anticipation of my death.

There was no hope. My family were still at home; they would be awaiting my arrival, which, of course, would never come. And my friends, my incredible friends whom I could never live without, were still where I'd left them. I wondered if they had even noticed my disappearance. Obviously, if they had realized I was missing they would take immediate action. What if they tried to find me? They'd only die, just like I was about to, so that would hardly make things any better. As my final wish, I prayed that nobody would attempt to find me. Not until the attack was complete, at least.

My muscles tightened, and not just because of the tight, secure lock which the assailant utilized against me. The fear of him was overwhelming, and my eyes widened with dread of what the future held. My breathing quickly altered into weak gasps, the panic increasing rapidly. Around me, I could hear the creatures of the night scampering about within the forest surrounding me, completely unaware of what was happening in the glade.

Nothing could possibly distract the murderer, and neither him or the small gang in the background looked up when a bat skimmed right over their heads with an audible squeak. The hairs on the back of my neck pricked up from the horror of what had been a fantastic night. Who would have thought that taking a short walk through the woods could result in my death?

I'm going to need a miracle to escape from this nightmare, I thought.

The silence seemed so loud in my ears; I couldn't concentrate on what was happening around me any longer. It was like trying to mute the buzz of a fly. My hands were clammy with sweat because of the terror, and my heart felt it was about to explode out of my chest. Strands of hair whipped across my cheeks as they grew tangled from the wind. My eyes fluttered shut, preparing myself for what was to come.

Suddenly, three things changed.

One of the changes was that my attacker was no longer holding me to the ground. My instincts took over, and my eyes began searching eagerly to discover what had caused this to happen, but instead I found myself side-tracked to another change.

The excitement had left the eyes of the attackers companions and had been replaced with shock and disappointment. This surprised me, so much that I could feel the shock fixed on my face. Several questions raced their way into my brain simultaneously, my head overflowing with them. Why the sudden change in atmosphere? Was my life going to be spared? Was someone helping me? I didn't feel up to finding out the answers; I was still bemused as to why he was no longer trying to kill me.

As I noticed these first two differences, I heard a whooshing sound from beside me, and one moment later my body was no longer in contact with the ground and its mellow texture. There were arms wrapped around me in a comfortable embrace, but they didn't belong to the person I expected. Instead, as I gazed up at the face of the person carrying me, relief filled my heart. My best friend was here, helping me to safety.

And we were flying, flying away into the dark sky beyond the forest.


Note: I really need to be critiqued... a lot. I only started writing stories last month or so, and I'm not an expert at it, so all constructive criticism will be appreciated.

[phoebe91]

I wanna read it but it says that you have to register and I really don't want to do that.

[Bexy 1239]

Ooh, kay I'll sort it out

In fact, I might just copy and paste it on here.

[phoebe91]

Dang, that's better than what I could have written!

Your beginning is very strong. However when you get to the point "Suddenly, three things changed. ", it looses its grasps, almost reminds me of an essay lol. So while you start strong, you end kinda weak. Although if you changed it up slightly, it'd probably be stronger then. I think that line and the paragraph after it is the weak spot, although there may be more that I can't see at the moment.

Those were my initial opinions, and they could change by reading it again, but yeah, I though I'd share it with you.

[Bexy 1239]

(07-10-2008 04:09 AM)phoebe91 link Wrote:Dang, that's better than what I could have written!

Your beginning is very strong. However when you get to the point "Suddenly, three things changed. ", it looses its grasps, almost reminds me of an essay lol. So while you start strong, you end kinda weak. Although if you changed it up slightly, it'd probably be stronger then. I think that line and the paragraph after it is the weak spot, although there may be more that I can't see at the moment.

Those were my initial opinions, and they could change by reading it again, but yeah, I though I'd share it with you.

Woo! Thanks, I'll edit when I have the time

[b-rad]

amazing!!!!!!

few things about the english of it

when he was thinking
the italics should end b4 the:  ,I thought  part

and i agree with phoebe on everything she said

maybe add some more drama to the end though

gunfire maybe?

maybe instead of the bat, it could be the guy hitting you with a gun

also maybe provide a reason the gang was trying to kill you

did you stumble upon a drug deal? where they selling weapons when you walked in on them?  where they doing drugs at the time?


otherwise simply amazing!!